Adult

There are 2 things that have forced the revelation of adulthood is upon me.

1st: I can choose a piece of chocolate blindly out of a verity box and not worry that I'm going to spit it up gagging when its filled with cherry. I understand Forrest Gump already made a life analogy using the same base subject, but that doesn't mean you can't still use it.

2nd, I basically see the world in a completely rational and unromantic "fun vs. money spent" ratio. I was an avid skier as a teenager, but have since given it up. For the last few years I never think when I go skiing "Boy, that was $100 worth of fun." I think that type of thinking puts me in firm a "ready for fatherhood" category. Instead of frivolously spending money, I am now ready to be annoyed at offspring frivolously spending money.

Another thing I stopped doing because of the Money/Fun ratio was going to concerts. After much thought, I realized why I never had much fun at them. For me, it would be the same as what I would assume going to a prostitute is like. I could never enjoy myself because I was too worried that the other person wasn't having a good time. Like all the performers say "The reason I'm in this is to perform live, blah blah." BS. After the 30th night of the tour, you think they aren't faking it? Going through the motions? Same with a hooker. I just could never buy into the fantasy that both parties were getting something out of it besides my money.

And besides, why go through all through the messy stuff the live experience when you have the polished version at home? The waiting in line, the crowd, the scratchy I’ve-been-singing-for-a-month-straight voice, when there is a polished perfect version in your CD player at home? Same with the ladies of the night, why go through the clunkiness and imperfections of sex when you have porn?

Unromantic, I know, but it’s logical to me at least.

Junior Executive

I have worked at the same company for like 2.5 years. Which for me, is a new record. Usually by now, I'm so sick of my coworkers and the political BS, that I look to move on.

Anyway, my company is pretty good about BS, and there is only 1 coworker that I routinely want to hit in the face with a shovel. So overall, I'm okay with things.

Because of my new found acceptance of a monotonous relationship with my company, I happened upon a new perk. I was upgraded parking spots this week. My company operates on the seniority principal with spots. When I was hired here, they literally had to build an extension onto the parking lot so I could have a space. I and other people who parked there affectionately knew this “add-on lot”, which basically cut into the nearby woods, as the “loser lot”. It was our badge of courage. Those of us who parked in the lot had a bond that those who didn't have to walk the extra 20 feet every morning and night couldn't understand.

Then I got an email late on Tuesday. "After 6 months, we've had some employees come and go, so here are the new parking assignments." I was out. Promoted from the loser lot into the regular lot with the BMWs and Audis. Called up to the big leagues. My big moment. I said my goodbyes to those I was leaving behind and the next morning, rolled into parking space #50 with a big grin on my face.

Since then, I've had hours of fun playing up my new found power. I told a guy at work I couldn't "hang" with him because I had a new crowd now. And us being seen together couldn't happen. I've tried to get out of mundane tasks at home by shouting at Jessica (my wife) "Do you know where I park at work? People with those kind of spots don't make their own bed!" etc.

I figure I have about a week more humor left in it.